Okay... today's discussion: Bitterness, hurt feelings, and leaving friends behind.
Now as you know I kind of monitor my son's communications with his friends. Not all the time, just a random sampling or when I think "something" is going on. Case in point is below:
---------- Forwarded message ----------
From: John (my son)
Date: May 31, 2007 8:54 AM
Subject: Re: hey handsome
To: Emma (the girlfriend)
Well maybe instead of bowling we could just stay at your house, cause I don't remember the last time we had time to ourselves. So I'll try to talk to my dad, but I really can't guarantee anything cause he might still be pissed about the text message thing, and I don't know if anything is going on this weekend at all. By the way I hope your ok about what I told you about last night, I was just for warning you, and not tell you at the last minute. Oh get this, my father got all pissed cause I told you. I said to him that this doesn't affect me at all, and he gave me a death look. I got really pissed about that cause he doesn't care what happen to our relationship, or my friends, cause I'd be giving all that I have here just to make him happy. Fucking selfish prick, god I hate him. Well don't worry about that cause I won't have to worry about him for much longer. Well I love you and I miss you so so so much.
Nice huh? All this because of an online application I had put in for a casino job in Erie. For some reason, this bothered me A LOT. I may be a prick, I may be a fucking prick, but I am not selfish when it comes to my family life. I got (and until yesterday) very angry. Angry? More like FUCKING LIVID!
WHERE DO YOU GET OFF CALLING ME THAT, YOU INSIGNIFICANT LITTLE SHIT? LIVE 1 YEAR OF MY LIFE! YOU KNOW HOW HARD I HAVE WORKED TO GET WHERE I'M AT? REMEMBER THE PROMISE I MADE YOU SO MANY YEARS AGO? NO? I KNOW YOU DON'T BECAUSE IF YOU DID YOU WOULD HAVE NEVER SAID THAT! ARRRGGGHH! LET'S GO OUTBACK MOTHERFUCKER! I'LL KICK THE SHIT OUT OF YOU AND LET'S SEE HOW MUCH YOU HATE ME WHEN YOU'RE NURSING A BLACK EYE!
wheeew..... just breathe...
When I read it, it was like something popped inside of my head. The levee overflowed, the dam broke, whatever analogy fits. For the first time in my life I felt truly betrayed and I had nothing to say. I could only sit and try and wrap my brain around what was said. My life with my son sped by in my head and I tried to find "that" point. What it was that caused him to say such a thing.
Why?
Because it's not like I found it in a diary. Like I found a private thought, something he wouldn't have ever said. No, instead I found it in an e-mail to his girlfriend. The same one, that doesn't like his family. That shit just kills me right there. I know that she spends time "dissin'" us because of the restrictions placed on John.
My wife finally brought me around and it took 2 weeks for me to get over this. I mean constant headaches from stressing about it. Feeling like I'm going crazy. He simply has no idea of what he said. The more I talk to him trying to get inside his head in an attempt to figure out this statement. It's simple. He's immature, emotional and a teenager. I guess I missed that part of my life. I really was that when I was his age. I can only think of one time I had words like this with my Mom, and it was never that bad, it was over and we talked it out. Teresa simply kept hitting me with the same thing: He does not understand.
Of course, I know that Teresa isn't happy about it either, because a classic moment came when he was about to go to the local amusement park. We just found out that he would be there ALL day until the park closed. Unsupervised. He told me and wanted to find out if he could still go. I said sure, whatever. It was at that point that Teresa stood up and harpooned him... "John, just remember who let you go and gave you that money when you and her are talking about what an asshole your father is." I was stunned. All I could do was smile.
I moved on. I had to. It still hurts. A lot. I can only hope that at some point, when he is more mature he will reflect on this moment and realize what he said. We will talk, we will heal fully.
In other news, that is less serious, one of my online friends told me that our "little game clan" was no more. I feel partly to blame because I was one of the major players in it and I just couldn't bring myself to split my time between a new game I had discovered. It wasn't really new it was just that I had never gotten into MMORPGs and never knew why, but come to find out Star Wars Galaxy is really cool. I kept promising myself that I would quit, but I just kept playing. 1 week turned into 2. 2 into 3. 3 into 4 and before I knew it, I didn't see anyone online anymore. Finally John jumped to another clan (for him the "tag" is important) and Kustom finally told me this morning to drop my tags. Free Agents Clan is dead. Bummer. Now that it's gone I miss it. Then again, I suck. If I would have just dedicated 1 night to playing. Just a couple of hours maybe we would still be a gang of base-raping asshats. Alas, tis no more.
BTW... I'm not dropping my tags. So Call, Kustom, Suicidal, Kev, Roger, and all the rest... see you out there!
