I think that a lot of people like to hear my stories, no matter how innocuous I think they might be. With that in mind, I'm going to start writing these down for your entertainment.

It could be sad, it could funny. Either way, it's a glimpse into my past.

Today's episode "Artie goes to jail."

It had come to be, that due to my financial situation and poor decision making, I became a scofflaw. It started out with a simple ticket for following to closely, that I forgot to pay. For that, they suspended my license. As we all know, that will not stop you from driving. It should, but it won't. I drove P.O.S. cars that would never pass a normal state inspection, I always knew mechanics who would give me the "special" one so it would be legal. Insurance? Sure for the first 30 days or until the cancellation came. Of course, once your insurance is canceled, there goes your registration too.

At any given time, I was driving with bad plates, expired inspection, no insurance. Eventually I wold get caught. I would get ticketed. This happened quite a few times until at one point I had 24 suspensions on my license. This means I also had a bench warrant issued for my arrest for those unpaid parking tickets.

You can't believe how nervous I would get every time a police car appeared. I knew the end was coming and I just had to keep the charade going until I could get a good job and make some serious "fix my life" money. Little did I know, that I was going to turn myself in soon.

See, I had applied for a security job. Now being security, they want to make sure you are not a felon or have any past felony conviction, so you need to get a copy of the your police report. Where do you go to get this? Why the sheriff's department of course. I walk in with my son (who was 3 at that time) and ask the nice lady for just such a report. She explains the fees, writes down my name and birthdate and proceeds to type on her computer. I should have known something was wrong when she said "hmmmmm" and told me she would be right back. I knew for sure when the DETECTIVE opened the door and asked me to come back with him.

Uh oh. He's being really friendly and when we get to his desk he starts talking to me about this "aggravated assault" charge. WHAT? I never beat anyone up! Oh, wait, Aggravated Unlicensed operator charge. Wheew! And it looks like there are a couple of here. I can't let you walk out of here because of the warrant. Warrant? Oh yeah, there are 4 of them on there. Is there anyone that I can call to take you son? Oh, uh.... yeah his mother is out in the car waiting on us.

In the car. The car that has no insurance, switched plates, expired insurance, and suspended registration. That car. I just send a Onondaga Sheriff's department detective out to that car.

Off he goes, but before he does, he handcuffs me to the chair. He's only gone for 10 minutes, but it is a loooonnnngg 10 minutes. When he comes back, he explains that he told her that I would be going to jail and since it was so late on Friday (3 pm-ish) that I would be spending the weekend since no judge would be around to arraign me until Monday. Bummer. He uncuffs me and off we go down to booking. He talks to some officers there, they take my stuff, I sign for it, and I'm put in a holding cell.

I guess I'm there for 3 or so hours when one of the Deputies come and get me. Time for me to be processed. Hmm. I'm going upstairs, but first.... one of the most degrading things I've had to do in a long time.

We all have been in P.E. or gym. That fun part, where you and some other people have to share the shower. All of you, naked. In the shower. No one is looking at anyone else, but you know what I'm talking about.

The Deputy takes me into the shower room. I get a towel. He tells me to strip. ALL the way down to skin. Put my clothes in the bag and get into the shower. There is no curtain on the shower stall. Why? Because the deputy is watching me. Okay, a little un-nerving but hey, I understand the reason. At least until I'm all rinsed and finished. As I'm about to turn off the water, he says wait. The he proceed to take a nearby spray bottle and squirt me with de-lousing agent. Eww. Oh wait. IT BURNS! Wow, it does sting! After a minute or so he directs me back into the shower to rinse again. Good thing, it's not as bad, but I'm still tingling and not in a good way. So, I'm thinking it can't get any worse until he says this: "Lift 'em." I give him a look and he looks right back at me. "Your testicles, son. Lift them up."

Okay this just got weird. So I do it. Mind you, he's about 3 feet away. He bends over and takes a peek. Ohhhh.... now I get it. Making sure I'm not hiding anything. Alright, so now it's not AS freaky. Still in the uncomfortable zone, but at least there is a rhyme to the reason. Until... "Turn, bend over and spread." One short sentence that I think sticks with me to this day. The one sentence that will surely keep me a law-abiding citizen the rest of my life. Yes. Turn around, bend over and show me where the sun don't shine. I know that there is a reason for this. Looking back, I know that for as bad as I as feeling, the poor deputy has it even worse. How many sets of nuts and assholes has this guy seen. Worse yet, the condition of those very same things. Uggghhh.

So, that's over. Into my little orange jumper with my .30 cent flip flops. Off we go up to the cell block. blah blah. Locked in. No problem. Then the realization sets in, I'm in jail. I cry. This sucks. I cry some more, silently sobbing into the chunk of foam rubber that is my pillow. I'm never doing this again.

I spend 2 1/2 days in there. In the cell. The only time I get out is to see Amy (John - my son's mother) when she brings me some books and comes for an hour long visit. I get to see my son through jailhouse glass. Another of those things that keeps me lawful.

She's been busy. She's called my grandmother (who TOTALLY freaked out) and will be posting my bail on Monday. She's called my lawyer who will be there on Monday.

Monday rolls around. I'm released on bail. Before I'm even out, my lawyer has been in talking with one of the assistant D.A.s and has pleaded it all down to a minor charge. What could have been over $5000 in fines and some more jail time has been reduced to a $350 fine. Which they take out of my $500 bail money.

Twenty-four suspensions. All gone. I'm a free man again. For now.....

To be continued!!

Sometimes you think you know it all. There is nothing you can't do. You are so clever, you can whip any problem that comes your way.

Wrong.

I'm a computer ninja. I love to do the fun stuff with electronics. I made it my career. I love impressing people who have no idea what they are doing. Yep, it's an ego trip.

This weekend, however, I met my match. I just rebuilt my machine and had gotten XP back up and running. Me, being the little hacker I am, decided to use a crack, but my favorite site wasn't working, so I went to an alternative. I should have known that it was bad. I mean Norton sucked one of the files right of the archive BEFORE I even expanded it. That's okay, the keygen was still there. Oops.

This little program was called TCPIPMON.EXE and it is a bugger to clean. I tried all my best tricks. Then went the internet for help. None. So I just F-it and started from scratch. Ha! I showed it, didn't I?

All that just so I can play my game, and it will look like the intro movies. Yeah baby!