The Daily Bitch

July 31, 1998 Vol. 2 Issue 6

Being a veteran of the "I fell in love online" crowd, I have to say that honesty is a something that tends to get laid by the wayside when you're swept up in the romance. I see it as this "thing" that you have now is so great, so cool, so simply awesome, that nothing can get into the way. One thing usually does and it's called the truth. An ugly thing that tends to hurt so many people that it should classified a deadly weapon. Oh see you can lie at first, and try to get away with it, but unless you are extremely lucky, you will get caught. You always do, which is my case in point. Probably the whole reason my relationship is/has/or going to fail. See if you are not up front with your online lover AND they actually believe all that shit you told them AND they want to come be with the wonderful person that you have made yourself to be, then before they ever leave their front door heading to your house, you had better fess up to what you've done. This can be a hard thing to do, but sometimes the truth (the bastard it is) must be told. Like you don't make 80k a year and own your own house and drive a Dodge Stealth, you have to be "truthful" and explain to that person that you really work at Burger King and you rent an apartment and drive a 78 Ford Pinto that you're still making payments on. Now if this person gets mad and never talks to you again, then you deserved what you got, you lying bastard / bitch! On the other hand if this person tells you that they love you no matter what, then you have to worry whether it's "true love" or a mental case suffering some sort of psychotic breakdown. Let's move on to another important item: courage.

I say courage, because sometimes it's better to believe (in your mind) what a person looks like. Usually when you see the actual photo, it's a letdown. Not always but most of the time. Could also be that I'm embarrassed about the way I think I look. You know, that whole "3 people" concept? First person is the way people see you, the second person is the way you think people see you, and the third is the way you actually are. I think I read that in a psychology book somewhere. I know there is some sort of scientific term for it, but I don't know. What it all comes down to is that when you fall in love online you are falling in love with some font on a screen. The way a person types, the way a person expresses themselves, that's what you are falling for. This can be a problem since so many people can be total bullshit artists. You find yourself thinking "man, this person is just like me, knows what I'm thinking and everything, I must have found my soulmate." Now before you go much further, you must do one important thing: get a picture. Actually get alot of pictures, a picture of the person at their job, in front of their car. Make sure you get a close-up of your new "soulmate." Sometimes the truth (see above) will tend to come out then. Then before committing to that final act, make sure to try and met them in real life somewhere. This tends to bring out more of the truth. What that you say? You soulmate lives 1500 miles away? Ahh, that fickle feeling, love. Try and find a soulmate closer to home in that case. Unless of course your new soulmate does make oodles of cash, then they would have no problem flying you out to see them. Spend a weekend with them, get close, eat dinner, have that wild sex you have been talking about online. All of these things will show you more of your perspective soulmate's personality and you may find things that make them a little less attractive then you originally thought. You may just go home after a long weekend thinking "Whew! Maybe my soulmate is still out there."

You know, typing that gave me a flash of insight to myself. I have yet to find a person that I care about that I didn't want to try to impress. Maybe that is the type of person that will bring me the happiness that I want (need?) in my life. Is that what I'm looking for? Maybe that's what I'm looking for (and almost found with my current girlfriend/fiancée - soon to be X-all of the above), someone who would love me for just me. Uh oh, I'm depressing myself again, I need professional help for sure. My mind starts racing and I start thinking weird thoughts again (don't ask). One of the things that is really important to me is this: I want to get married someday. I have been in 2 fairly long relationships and have got no further then popping the question and giving away an engagement ring. After that point it seems to spin out and head down hill (maybe someday I'll figure out what I did wrong - maybe I have and just don't want to admit it). Am I a freak of MALE nature? Rather then fear it, instead I want a commitment? Yep, get me a sign and point at the guy behind that keyboard and yell FREAK! HE"S A TOTAL FRUIT! You get the idea, I consider myself a "new age sensitive kind of guy." You know, the ones who aren't afraid to cry during a movie or willing to listen to a woman's problem without thinking of how you use it to get into her pants (yes, some guys do that - sorry fellows, but I thought that secret should come out). Yes, some people call it being effeminate or a fag (I dare anyone to say that to me). Now that I realize it, I have become such a hypocrite. I think the idea of worshipping supermodels because they "embody" the perfect woman is wrong. What do I do? I enroll in the gym so I can alter my appearance to please others. All this in the hope that they will overcome their superficialness and look at me with desire in their eyes? I know it in my heart, I know that I'm dieting and working out not to get healthy, but to get laid. It's as simple as that or is it? Is that what I want? After all the talk of big brains vs. big hooters, I become as bad as the rest of humanity? I could care less, I have to go work out. BEEFCAKE!!!!

I’m done for today. Consider yourself "Bitched at."

The Daily Bitch

July 27, 1998 Vol. 2 Issue 5

Yep, that's right. This is turning out to be quite the little job. I thought I would be able to do a "bitch session" at least 2 or 3 times a week, but NO! I have to work and man is the work coming on strong. I go to class for a couple of days and everyone decides they need some sort of computer work done. One word for that - PRICKS! No not really, they are doing their jobs and I'm doing mine. Sometimes those jobs can really get you down though, can't they? I mean, you slam your ass from desk to desk fixing what each person considers their "class 1 priority level problem" when you consider it some nit-picky little shit that could've waited a couple of hours while you did some "real" priority work. Even though I think some of my customers are a pain, they think I'm (well 95%) think I'm the cat's meow. I decided to be a very proactive kind of guy at my location. I tell all the customers: "If I'm not at my desk to take your phone call, look around, I'm probobly in your area." This makes that 95% really happy, because they know I'm looking out for them. It's that other 5% that pisses me off. Those are the customers that expect you to drop what your doing and come RIGHT NOW. I could be on the phone talking to tech support, and they will wait, expecting me to either come now or as soon as I'm off the phone. For these people I have developed the "Call the Helpline" attitude. This attitude is one of my own creation, after all, if you're planning to piss me off by making my job hard then I'm exacting my measure of revenge by making you "use the system like it's supposed to be used." That means, call the helpline, get a work order, make sure they send it directly to me (in some cases I let the helpline screw with them for a bit) and then I come work on your machine. Ahh, sometimes it feels sooooo good!

I know, I can be a cruel son of a bitch, but hey, I expect nothing less from anyone else. My favorite place to go and bitch? McDonalds. Not any of the others, they don't brag about how good they are like old Micky D's does. So when I go to the Golden Arches, I expect to get the "crack" service that I'm shown on TV. Let me tell you, I am quite the bastard about this. My shit had better look just as good as the commercial (at least close) or I send it right back. To say that my Mickey D's around the corner hates me, would be an understatement. One thing to remember though, if you're going to be a bastard about your service, learn to be patient. That's because sometimes the perfection you're looking for may take a bit to achieve. The other thing you want to practice is your "smirk of injustice." The S.O.I. is the look to have. This look is a cross between a smile, a smirk, and that self-righteous indignant look you give someone when thier wrong and won't admit it. Now most of the time, this will a pay off nicely with many apologies and occassionally a free goodie or two thrown in. The only time it tends not to work is when you go to a McDonalds that is "lost in time." This is a store where the cumulative IQ can be measured in double digits, below 50 that is. You will not win in these places, for the simple fact that most of the people that work thier ARE DUMB AS SPIT! For instance, being the "healthy" (see the Bitch about Physical Fitness) human you are, you get that combo SUPER-SIZED. When you pull the fries from the bag, it looks more like they dumped a medium portion into your SS container. Most stores you simply ask for another, or if you're me, you let them decide (trust me, it's lots of fun - but then again, I have no life to speak of). This will be your first mistake, since this cause them to drop into some sort of looped logic lock state. This can be recognized by the blank look and/or glazed unblinking eyes. You must quickly snap them out of this or else they will be like this for what can seem an eternity (visit the Marathon, NY store for more details). No amount of SOI or sarcasm will help you, you must simply move straight to demanding what you want or asking for the manager. The latter will always work better since the manager always seems to be terminally pissed and is usally looking to hand one of the employess a ration of shit for upsetting a customer. I could go into that whole manager thing, but I won't because we all know his problem. If you don't know his problem, go apply for a job at your local fast food place, you'll learn real quick. So anyway, now you have your food, it's somewhat close to hot (at least the center is - thanks Mr. Microwave), so enjoy. Hmm all this talk of food has made hungry, I think if I hurry I can catch the manager before he leaves! Have fun kiddies!

I’m done for today. Consider yourself "Bitched at."