The Daily Bitch

July 27, 1998 Vol. 2 Issue 5

Yep, that's right. This is turning out to be quite the little job. I thought I would be able to do a "bitch session" at least 2 or 3 times a week, but NO! I have to work and man is the work coming on strong. I go to class for a couple of days and everyone decides they need some sort of computer work done. One word for that - PRICKS! No not really, they are doing their jobs and I'm doing mine. Sometimes those jobs can really get you down though, can't they? I mean, you slam your ass from desk to desk fixing what each person considers their "class 1 priority level problem" when you consider it some nit-picky little shit that could've waited a couple of hours while you did some "real" priority work. Even though I think some of my customers are a pain, they think I'm (well 95%) think I'm the cat's meow. I decided to be a very proactive kind of guy at my location. I tell all the customers: "If I'm not at my desk to take your phone call, look around, I'm probobly in your area." This makes that 95% really happy, because they know I'm looking out for them. It's that other 5% that pisses me off. Those are the customers that expect you to drop what your doing and come RIGHT NOW. I could be on the phone talking to tech support, and they will wait, expecting me to either come now or as soon as I'm off the phone. For these people I have developed the "Call the Helpline" attitude. This attitude is one of my own creation, after all, if you're planning to piss me off by making my job hard then I'm exacting my measure of revenge by making you "use the system like it's supposed to be used." That means, call the helpline, get a work order, make sure they send it directly to me (in some cases I let the helpline screw with them for a bit) and then I come work on your machine. Ahh, sometimes it feels sooooo good!

I know, I can be a cruel son of a bitch, but hey, I expect nothing less from anyone else. My favorite place to go and bitch? McDonalds. Not any of the others, they don't brag about how good they are like old Micky D's does. So when I go to the Golden Arches, I expect to get the "crack" service that I'm shown on TV. Let me tell you, I am quite the bastard about this. My shit had better look just as good as the commercial (at least close) or I send it right back. To say that my Mickey D's around the corner hates me, would be an understatement. One thing to remember though, if you're going to be a bastard about your service, learn to be patient. That's because sometimes the perfection you're looking for may take a bit to achieve. The other thing you want to practice is your "smirk of injustice." The S.O.I. is the look to have. This look is a cross between a smile, a smirk, and that self-righteous indignant look you give someone when thier wrong and won't admit it. Now most of the time, this will a pay off nicely with many apologies and occassionally a free goodie or two thrown in. The only time it tends not to work is when you go to a McDonalds that is "lost in time." This is a store where the cumulative IQ can be measured in double digits, below 50 that is. You will not win in these places, for the simple fact that most of the people that work thier ARE DUMB AS SPIT! For instance, being the "healthy" (see the Bitch about Physical Fitness) human you are, you get that combo SUPER-SIZED. When you pull the fries from the bag, it looks more like they dumped a medium portion into your SS container. Most stores you simply ask for another, or if you're me, you let them decide (trust me, it's lots of fun - but then again, I have no life to speak of). This will be your first mistake, since this cause them to drop into some sort of looped logic lock state. This can be recognized by the blank look and/or glazed unblinking eyes. You must quickly snap them out of this or else they will be like this for what can seem an eternity (visit the Marathon, NY store for more details). No amount of SOI or sarcasm will help you, you must simply move straight to demanding what you want or asking for the manager. The latter will always work better since the manager always seems to be terminally pissed and is usally looking to hand one of the employess a ration of shit for upsetting a customer. I could go into that whole manager thing, but I won't because we all know his problem. If you don't know his problem, go apply for a job at your local fast food place, you'll learn real quick. So anyway, now you have your food, it's somewhat close to hot (at least the center is - thanks Mr. Microwave), so enjoy. Hmm all this talk of food has made hungry, I think if I hurry I can catch the manager before he leaves! Have fun kiddies!

I’m done for today. Consider yourself "Bitched at."