The Daily Bitch

July 1, 1998 Vol. 2 Issue 1

This has been bothering me all week so I'll get it off my chest now. Last weekend I decided to spend time with both my Dad and my son. I figure the old man would be delighted to see me and spend some time with his grandson so off I go to "Hicktown, USA" with my son in tow. Now when we get there, and fight our way past the flea-ridden hoarde of dogs awaiting anyones arrival, my Dad announces proudly that we are going to the "Hicktown Field Days!" Now I realize that most of you readers might not be familiar with the concept of a field days type event. The basic idea is this: the local volunteer fired dept. needs some cash to fill the coffers (since wednesday night bingo just don't cut it sometimes) in order to pay for maintainence of the fire equipment in case they have to go put out a burning cellar. A burning cellar? Yeah, see most of these firehouses are centrally located, the volunteer fireman are not. So by the time Jim-Bob calls 911 (if they have it) and 911 routes the call to the right firehouse, someone at the firehouse sets off the pagers that all the volunteers have, then the volunteers have to beg their bosses (those of them that work) to go to the fire, and then drive (well say 8 minutes to be fair), blue lights blazing, to get to the firehouse, put on their gear, fight over who drives the truck (no lie - I seen this with my own eyes), and drive to the fire, well you get the idea. Most of their mottos run along the lines of "We never lose a cellar!" But then again, I digress. Now the way the fire dept works this, is first they get bids from different ride companies to bring in the basic entertainment (games of chance, ferris wheel, all that shit) and then the "Women's Auxilary" (and I use the term loosely) does the rest like food and what not. Now this is where the real fun comes in, for folks like you and me that end up at these things by accident or design, is watching the wierdos we call humanity, literally crawl out of the woodwork. In all of my years (only about 30 and I was raised in a small Oklahoma town, so I think I can call this one), I have never seen such a collection of FREAKS. It's like a Jeff Foxworthy comedy show, except it's a nightmare and your on LSD. I cannot think of any other explanation that it MUST be something in the water or one too many brother-sister "intimate" relationships (if you know what I mean). This one bitch went strolling by me, had to tip the scales at around 350 easy, in the loudest collection of stretch polyester and a tube top WITHOUT A BRA. She obviously mistook my stare of awe for one of enchantment, because she smiled at me and thats when I got my second shock: 3 FUCKING TEETH. How do I know? Well besides the fact that the moment is burned into my brain, she smiled in that special way that would allow a normal person to say hi, if they weren't being drowned out by the contry-western music blaring over the speaker. The second thing you notice is the kids. They are like little clones of The only thing that makes these events worthwhile is BEER. Lots of it and it all very cheap. Oh I don't mean cheap and nasty, I mean like your favorite beer companies fall all over themselves to sponser part of these events so the beer definatley flows fast and hard. Even better is that if your like me, you won't need a lot of cash to have fun. Put the kids on a ride, drink yourself to a stupor, vomit once or twice and you won't believe how attractive that tube top beauty will look at around 1 am.

Don't think for a minute that what your thinking happened. I have never been that drunk or that stoned (I mean if I was to get stoned) to take leave of my senses. If you have ever been to one of these, let me know about your experience at artcrego at gmail dot com.

I’m done for today. Consider yourself "Bitched at."